In October this year, I wrote the first part of this two part series. To read part 1 go here.
Our brother Kenneth was admitted into hospital for routine chemotherapy after which he was to be discharged after five days. He had to stay a few more days as the canula was not holding well and so the dosages of chemo were not as required. We thought that with a few more additional days he would be discharged he would come back home to recover. When Matthew and I said bye to him on the night of 18th October, little did we know that was our final bye from Kenny. It was not the bye we expected. I never had the chance to say goodbye to my brother as I would have loved. He was like suddenly snatched away from us.
‘If Only it Had Been Me Instead!: The Death of a Brother
The death of Kenneth meant that I had no surviving brother left. It meant that Catherine now had only one brother left and her twin brother gone. How much one death can change in the lives of surviving siblings. At some points, I would have the guilt of wishing I had said certain things or not said certain things to my brother. I would feel perhaps we could have done something that would have enabled my brother to still be alive. But then I am reminder that God knows all our times. Our times are in his hands. Since my brother and I share the same genes, my mind starts wondering suppose I also end up getting cancer and dying of the same? Only the Lord knows!
Putting the Pieces Back Together Again: Can we?
After my brother died, I travelled on duty to his home town and had to sort out things he had left in his home. It was not an easy task. The items in the house looked like Kenneth would be back after treatment in Lusaka. At some point after sorting things out I felt so tired and filled with grief. I could feel the emptiness of my brother having gone. Having some of the photos he left and converting them into digital format has done a lot to remind me of my cheerful brother. At times when I remember him the tears roll down my cheeks. Attending an online seminar on Handling Grief by Joe Simfukwe and Joe Kapolyo as well as reading books on Bereavement one of them 'Bereavement: A Shared Experience' by Helen Alexander has been a great help on dealing with the bereavement of my brother. Talking with others who have lost loved ones especially siblings has also been useful.
Struggling to Make Sense of it all: Death as Part of Life
At the time my brother died, it was difficult to take in. He had been staying at our home for over two months since he was referred to the Cancer Diseases Hospital in Lusaka. After the weekly trips I did with him to the hospital as he was being prepared for cancer treatment, all seemed to be going well. The blood transfusion he underwent just before chemotherapy seemed to suggest the medicals were doing everything to ensure that my brother Kenneth had a successful chemo treatment. When he started the chemo and later had to be admitted for it to be done well, things seemed to be going well, until the time when it appeared his body was rejecting the chemo.
On the night before he died, my brother looked frail. When I got news of his passing on, it was such a heavy blow to take. Humanly speaking, my sisters and I with the help of others had played our part to ensure that our brother has a successful cancer treatment. At some point, I felt that maybe the hospital staff at some point did not do all they could for my brother. Seeing his lifeless body in the mortuary, at the funeral parlor, in the casket at the church service, was quite a lot to take in. Suddenly, having no brother at all after having had two brothers was so strange.
The comfort of relatives and Christian friends helped a lot. Listening to people like my former pastor Joe Simfukwe and Joe Kapolyo speak on bereavement helped me to come to terms with my brothers death. Reading the book “Bereavement: A Shared Experience” by Helen Alexander was also helpful. Articles and videos by Gary Roe who is specialized in matters of grief was also helpful.
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